As most of you will already be aware, my husband Jim passed away peacefully in our home on July 9, 2022 after a long battle with cancer. More details, as well as a video of the funeral are available on this page: Funeral and Memorial Scholarship Information. If you’d like to help us support young scholars at an authentically Catholic school, as well as help keep Jim’s memory alive, please consider making a donation to the Jim Tierney Memorial Scholarship Fund at Saint Monica Academy. You can do that directly through the school’s donation portal here. Or you can purchase one-of-a-kind Catholic charm bracelets, handmade by me. 100% of the purchase price of the bracelets goes to the scholarship fund. Find those here.

I hosted the 2022 Fiat Conference at my home last weekend. Preparing my talk for the conference gave me a chance to reflect on what I have and haven’t learned over the past few months and years. Here it is in video format: https://youtu.be/sOEXTeb_cfI

And here’s the text of the talk:

First off, thank you all so much for being here, and for the love and prayers with which you have so generously supported me and my family for the past months and years. I’ll get into it in more detail here in a bit, but I hope each of you knows how real and important that has been for us. We’re just going to have a winding little chat, kind of informal like, if you guys don’t mind. I do have a couple points I’d like to make today, that I think are in keeping with our general theme of resilience and our patroness, Our Lady of Perpetual Help.

We have sort of a running family joke that we get recognized by ONE PERSON . . . everywhere. When our whole family is out together at a national park, or an amusement park, or at Mass somewhere on the road, usually someone will recognize us and come up to say hi. I think it’s great, really. I mean, we ARE rather a spectacle when out in a group regardless. So it’s nice to be getting some of that attention from Catholics who have been following our family’s ups and downs since before many of the kiddos were born.  

Sometimes it will beg the question from some of the kids as to whether I am “famous.” So I explain about fish and ponds and all that and say that I am a very tiny bit famous among a small and very nice group of like-minded folks. But it does make one reflect on the idea of “celebrity.” And especially Catholic “celebrity.” What does that word mean? “Celebrity”? It means to be “celebrated”. To be held up as a noteworthy example of something.

And the problem with that, for Catholics, is that WE have an established system for that already, don’t we? We have a longstanding method by which we determine which Catholics are to be celebrated and held up as an example and it’s called the canonization process and, importantly, no one is admitted to that process while still living.

So a living “famous” Catholic, a Catholic “celebrity” is always going to be a bit of a liability for all of us. Someone still living can mess up, can get something wrong, can let us down.

The word bandied about on social media is “influencer” right? And I guess, as cringy as it is, I guess that feels a bit more appropriate, a bit more accurate. There are Catholics I follow on social media, and Catholics that I know in real life, who “influence” my worldview and my practice of the faith. That seems fine. Good even. As long as we keep the right perspective.

For me, personally, the angle I prefer is “subject matter expert.” You know? Like on the 24-hour news networks, when some world event happens or a particular book or movie is all the rage and all of a sudden there’s a demand for someone who knows everything there is to know about Borneo or 17th century sewing techniques or that indegenous sport with the hips and the peach baskets. For whatever reason, now we have questions for THAT person.

That’s how I’ve always tried to approach my books and social media. As a subject matter expert. As a person who loves the Catholic faith and loves the saints and Catholic history and tradition and obscure customs and who wants to share that information with you. So it seems appropriate when someone messages me to ask if there are any recipes associated with a particular upcoming feast day, or when folks start leaving comments asking if it’s going to be a meat friday, or when a friend texts me a photo of a saint statue she found at a thrift shop to see if I can figure out who it is based on its little attributes.

I love that sort of thing. I like a challenge, and I have spent a decade working on gaining very niche knowledge for moments just like those.

When I give a Fiat talk, what I want is to give you some answers. I want to give you 5 easy tips for getting your kids to say the rosary or eat their vegetables. I want to be a resource for you. I want to be that subject matter expert.

But then, this summer, my situation changed. My husband of 21 years passed away peacefully in our home, after a 16-year battle with melanoma skin cancer that eventually metastasized to his brain. So, all of a sudden, I had all these people watching me for a different reason. I had new people watching me. Thousands and thousands of new people. And they were still good, Catholic people. People who had been praying for us. But also, I’m sure, people were curious about what happens to a family when they lose someone. People who were curious about what life looks like for a widow with many children. I’m still not quite sure what to do with those people.

Honestly, the most comforting thing anyone said to me over those first couple weeks was my friend Hope who told me, “People look to you to see what a Catholic life looks like. And most people never see this part. You shared with people what a sacramental Catholic death looks like.” I appreciated that perspective on it. And I’m deeply grateful that I listened to the nudge of the Holy Spirit on that one, to go ahead and open our home when it seemed like the end was near. American culture sees death as a hidden, private matter. But that’s not at all how CATHOLIC culture sees it.

But then, you know, that part is over. And now it’s me, and my new life, and I’m not a subject matter expert in any of this. And every new TV show I start features what I now call the “VSW” for “very sad widow.” This character was in ALL shows I tried to watch this summer. She is a recent widow who is very sad and can’t function or care for herself or her home and basically abandons her children because she is so heartbroken. It wasn’t very heartening to find that this was the expectation that Hollywood, at least, had of me and my prospects.

Micaela mentioned that we chose Our Lady of Perpetual Help as our patroness because we knew that I was likely facing a challenging year. I wanted to invite speakers who knew what it was to overcome adversity. I wanted to hear those stories and know that it was possible to hold tight to the cross and keep the faith.

So now, here I am. A person trying to figure out a new different life. A life in which I am not a subject matter expert. So what am I going to talk to you guys about today? It took me a very long time to figure it out. But I’m fortunate enough to have good friends and to have had good conversations with those friends lately, and a couple things kept coming up again and again in those conversations. And they helped me to sort some things out. So this isn’t about to turn into a real talk. We’re just going to have MY side of those conversations, with me standing up here. I want to share a couple things about which I feel I have gained some understanding through the process of living with Jim’s illness and that uncertainty and with loss and widowhood.

The first is a strategy that served me well throughout the long years since Jim’s diagnosis and to which I’ve still had recourse over these more recent weeks since his death. In some ways, it was my St. Paul on the Road to Damascus moment. It came to me, undeserved, in a flash, and changed my perspective. It’s useful for big, life-changing events, but it’s also helpful in little everyday moments. 

It came about on the day that Jim was diagnosed with melanoma, originating in a mole on his back. First it was just a malignant mole. Eventually we learned that the cancer had spread to his lymphatic system. He underwent a course of treatment and it appeared that he was in remission for nearly ten years, but we later found that the cancer was back or, more likely, had never really been gone. At that point it spread to his lungs and eventually his brain. But on that day, it was just a melanoma tumor in a mole.  

I went to pick my oldest son up from the little neighborhood preschool he attended and, when his teacher asked me how the day was going, I told her. Which, looking back, was definitely an awkward choice. We were not close friends or anything. But, that’s what happened. She says, “Hi, Mrs. Tierney, how’s your day been going?” And I say, “Well, my husband was just diagnosed with cancer.” Fun, right? But she rolls with it. She says, “Wow. You must be really worried.” A reasonable thing to say. Polite. But I remember it like it had one of those tire screeching cartoon sound effects. I *MUST* be really worried. Somehow that turn of phrase really hit me. MUST. As in, it is REQUIRED of me to be really worried. 

And in that moment I was infused with supernatural grace and/or my contrary little self rebelled against the thought that the universe was telling me what to do. I don’t like that. So I told her, “You know, I’ve decided that I’m going to wait to worry.” 

Because, really, in that moment, things were fine. My husband was well. He wasn’t experiencing any pain symptoms. I was well. Maybe later it would make sense to worry. I was going to give myself permission for that should it become necessary. But on that day, it didn’t seem like I needed to worry. So I didn’t.

I don’t think I had yet made Padre Pio’s acquaintance, so I wouldn’t have yet known his quote “Pray, hope, and don’t worry”. It’s good advice, but I’m not sure I would have been ready for that kind of commitment. I couldn’t promise that I was never going to worry. It just seemed like I could manage not to worry today.

The first real challenge to the policy came three days later when I learned that I was pregnant with baby number four. There are a lot of what ifs available to a pregnant lady, right? But still, I stuck with my plan. I decided that today again seemed okay. Today I didn’t need to worry. I’d wait.

Against all odds, after sixteen years and six more children and surgeries and seizures and hospitalizations and, eventually, hospice and death . . . each day on THAT day, it has been okay. I’ve been able to wait. I didn’t need to be really worried that day.

I think, when we look at it honestly, that teacher was unintentionally giving me very bad advice. She was telling me that my only choice was despair. Despair is a sin and worry, in my case, would have been just another way of describing despair. Despair is a turning away from hope. Hope is the virtue opposite to despair. Hope says that I trust that no matter what happens in my life, no matter my circumstances, God is good. 

On the day that I found out that Jim had cancer. We were okay. I could trust. I could hope. I could believe that God had a plan for me. I could, at the very least . . . WAIT to worry. And on the day Jim died, the same was true. On that day, we were okay. I was surrounded by friends and family. Jim had received last rites. He had made a good confession with our friend Fr. Matt, it was the last conversation he had. He had said, “yes” when our pastor Fr. Gonzales asked him if he wanted to receive the eucharist. It was the last word he spoke and the last food he ate. I was surrounded by consolations, I was covered in prayer. On that day also, I could wait to worry.

And since then, each day, it has been the same. It has sucked, in many ways, don’t get me wrong. But each day, in itself, has been okay. I’ve joked that the movie version of my life is going to have the lamest-ever inspirational montage sequence consisting of me . . . making phone calls . . . and . . . finding important documents . . . and . . . filling out paperwork . . . and figuring out how to scan paperwork . . . and miraculously having enough stamps. Super exciting stuff you guys. But it’s also been NOT being a VSW. Spending time with friends and trying to be there for my kids. Praying. Participating in the sacraments. Believing that God still has a plan for me and my life. Allowing myself to see that TODAY is okay. Today, I don’t need to worry. I can still wait.

I’m doing okay. I haven’t dissolved into VSW status. The kids are doing okay. Waiting to worry is working for all of us. But, then, one might reasonably ask, WHY would such a thing work? How is it possible that I’ve been able to wait to worry even though the thing I was waiting to worry about . . . went ahead and happened.

And that is the other topic I wanted to talk about today. I believe that the main reason I have been able to keep up hope and trust and to avoid worry and despair is intercessory prayer. Most of you have been responsible for part of that prayer, so thank you.

While the distinction is really academic, and all are interrelated, Catholics recognize five different general “types” of prayer: we call them worship, praise, thanksgiving, petition, and intercession.

Worship exalts the greatness of God and focuses on our dependence upon him. Praise gives God glory for God’s own sake. Thanksgiving is being grateful for the gifts God has given us. Petition is asking God for what we need, or what we think we need anyway.

Intercession is when we ask God for something for someone else. 

People all over the world have been praying for my family for a decade.

And now I would like to pause to tell you about my favorite children’s book. It’s called The Bearskinner. It’s an adaptation of a Grimm’s fairy tale in which a soldier returns from war to find his town destroyed and his family gone, and so, he makes a deal with the devil. It’s great for kids. Anyway, the deal is that for seven years he must wear a bearskin and his pockets will be full of the devil’s gold. He can spend the money, but he cannot tell anyone why he wears the bearskin. He cannot pray. And he cannot kill himself. If he does, his soul will belong to the devil. But if he does not, at the end of the seven years he’ll get to lose the bearskin and keep the pockets full of gold. 

So at first, of course, he has a grand old time spending the money, but soon, the bearskin begins to rot and he becomes isolated and begins to lose hope. He begins to despair. One day, he has the idea that he can give his money to the poor and ask them to pray for him.

There’s a beautiful illustration in the book in which the bearskinner is walking along the river, and the prayers of the poor are butterflies shielding him from the devil and the darkness, keeping his despair at bay. And that’s really how I see intercessory prayer.

I’m standing here as a witness to the fact that prayers are not always answered in the way we would like. And it’s not because we didn’t have enough faith, or because we didn’t pray in just the right way, or because not quite enough people liked and shared a particular Facebook post. 

It might just be that it was not God’s will. 

I don’t have to understand it. But if I’m willing to submit my will to his will, I can accept it.

We have to remember that there must be a caveat attached to every prayer, spoken or unspoken, and that is, “Lord, if it is your will . . . dot dot dot.” Any time we ask God for something that we think we want we must remember that we only want it if God wants it. We must remember that God is not bound by our prayers. The goal of prayer isn’t to change God, the goal of prayer is to change US.  

And, I cannot claim to be an expert in that. But I’m going to keep on keepin’ on. I’m continuing to hope and trust. I’m continuing to wait to worry. And I’m continuing to rely on intercessory prayer, so please keep it up. Thank you!

The new 2023 Catholic All Year Liturgical Wall Calendar is now available. See it here.

The post On Not Being a VSW (Very Sad Widow): My Talk at the 2022 Fiat Conference appeared first on Catholic All Year.

Baby Barbara and I recently accompanied two-year old George for most of his five week stay in the hospital as he fought and recovered from bacterial meningitis. I’ve had people mention since then that I should do a post on what I learned during our little sojourn, but I’m . . . just . . . not . . . sure I learned much. I did notice some things though. Here’s one:

Note: This post is just my musings on this subject and is not a result of my having felt not properly supported during George’s illness. We were loved and supported well by our wonderful community both online and IRL. So, thanks!

That feeling of control that we want as parents . . . it’s an illusion.

I think on some level, when we hear about a tragedy, we try to figure out what that family did “wrong” so we can assure ourselves that it won’t happen to us. So if it was a car accident, we want to know if the child was buckled into his car seat properly. If it was a birth defect, we want to know if mom drank a glass of wine while pregnant. If there was a pool, we want to know if it had a gate. If we vaccinate, we want to know if an illness was the result of not vaccinating. If we don’t vaccinate, we want to know if the illness was the result of a vaccination.

If that family did something that *I* wouldn’t do, then I can move on with my life comfortable that my choices are protecting my children. But, of course, that means that in my head I’ve made that tragedy the fault of that parent’s choices. It’s not a very generous way to view someone’s suffering. And if I apply that same logic to my own family, I have to spend a lot of energy blaming or second guessing myself when things go wrong.

In George’s case, he was vaccinated against the bacteria that usually causes meningitis in children, but he was infected by a different strain of the bacteria, against which the vaccine does not protect. It was just a fluke that in his case a not-uncommon bacteria ended up someplace it shouldn’t be (the lining of his brain). During our hospital stay, we met other families with very different yet fundamentally similar stories. Sometimes bad stuff just happens.

We are such extraordinary creatures, so wonderfully complex and fragile. How many near-misses do our loved ones have every day, that we never even consider?

In our case, I really don’t believe there’s anything we could have done differently to avoid George’s illness. But in a hundred other cases–or a thousand–since he was born, I did or didn’t do something that might have ended up in his getting ill or injured . . . and he didn’t.

Be it the harvest, or how many children to have, or illness and injury, our ancestors understood that these things weren’t in our control, and that of course we would have to rely on our neighbors, and pray to God for the fortitude to get through. Not so much now. We want to believe that everything is a result of our decisions. And if it was your choice, it’s your problem.

Of course it’s our responsibility as parents to care for and protect our children to the best of our abilities. And to be responsible stewards of our lives in general. But when something goes wrong, even if it’s partially the result of, let’s call it “operator error,” it’s almost always also the result of things we couldn’t control. I think learning to view tragedy through the lens of happenstance rather than fault is profoundly liberating, in the way we treat ourselves and others.

God doesn’t will the tragedies in our lives, but he does allow them as a byproduct of free will and the natural world. Facing tragedy in our own families can increase our reliance on God and our connection to our fellow man. Seeing tragedy in someone else’s family can inspire us to love and prayer and acts of service.

It doesn’t really matter *why* a tragedy, if there IS a tragedy. Relying on God, and trusting him to help us persevere through difficult times should they arise, is a vastly different worldview than constant box-checking to try to make sure nothing bad could possibly happen. It’s a false sense of security that we are attempting to create. A false sense of power over our environment. My goal instead is abandonment to God’s will and acceptance of my current situation. It’s past blame and guilt and finger-pointing that we find the virtue of acceptance, of our own circumstances and those of others.

________________________

If you see my feast day posts on social media and think, “Argh! If only I had more notice!” I’ve decided start something just for you! The CAY newsletter, will be published fortnightly, and delivered right to your email inbox. In it, I’ll share all the feast days on the Universal Calendar and/or in the Compendium for the upcoming two weeks, and link to videos and posts from the archives about our traditions for those days and products in the shop to help you observe them.

If you are signed up to get alerts for new posts via email, then you’re all set. You’ll automatically get the newsletters as well. If you don’t get emails from Catholic All Year, you can sign up to do so from the homepage: Click “home” up along the top bar (from a desktop) or from the “select page” dropdown menu (on mobile), then scroll down past my mug until you get to the “Subscribe for my latest content” box and enter your name and email address. (This is different, by the way, than having an account in the Catholic All Year shop that lets you access your downloads.) I hope it will be helpful!

The post Control Is an Illusion: Some Things I Noticed While Spending Five Weeks in the Hospital with a Two Year Old (and a baby sidekick) appeared first on Catholic All Year.

The husband was five episodes or so into his new Podcast, The Dad Project, and had had a group reach out to see if he was interested in speaking for them. I had had a few similar inquiries over the years, mostly parish groups or moms groups, all out of town and without a budget, really. It felt reasonable to decline or set up a Skype talk instead of traveling. The only regular public speaking I was doing was The Fiat Conference and Little Flowers meetings.

So when the husband received that out of town speaking invitation, we talked it over and agreed that the logistics of either of us being out of town when we have so many kids and commitments just made it unfeasible to accept. We made an Official Family Decision to NOT become public speakers.

And within days, I got an email inviting me to speak at the 2019 Bismarck Thirst Eucharistic Conference in October. It was a very generous offer, and seemed like it would be a really great opportunity. So we put that in the maybe pile for a bit. And then decided to accept. And then I found out on Christmas Day that we were expecting baby number ten, in September. The Fiat Conference is always in October. And then I got a couple other interesting out of town offers, all for fall.

It’s pretty amusing, isn’t it? You wouldn’t think it would be a challenge to NOT become a traveling public speaker, especially one with a newborn. But God is funny like that. For practice, Jim and I ended up doing a fun parenting talk together, and now he’s got his own local conference going for dads. And I got to take three week old Barbara and seventeen year old Jack to speak at the Santa Rosa Diocese Education Congress, and then seven week old Barbara and fifteen year old Betty to Bismarck, ND for Thirst.

In between, The Fiat Conference, planned through nausea and aches and thrown under the threat of wildfires and blackouts and with a baby in a carrier was a HUGE success.

We decided NOT to go to Irondale, AL to do a couple episodes of At Home With Jim and Joy, but then it turned out we could record them at EWTN’s Southern California studio. So (exactly) two month old Barbara and ten year old Anita and my Dad and I went to the new Christ Cathedral campus to record the shows. (My episodes are scheduled to air on EWTN Wednesday and Friday at 1:00pm Eastern time/10:00am Pacific time. After airing, they should also be available for viewing anytime on the EWTN YouTube channel.)

Those weekend getaways with my newborn and my teens were priceless. I never would have planned them, but they were perfect. (And Betty got to do an amazing, and providential-feeling college visit while we were in Bismarck!) I really enjoyed the speaking gigs, and even more than that, getting to meet people in person with whom I’ve interacted in comments for years. And getting to hear in person the positive effect that my blog and book have had on real people’s lives. It’s so humbling and edifying.

All of this has been bouncing around in my head for a while, how odd it is that I have ten kids and a homeschool to run and a house to fix up, and somehow this whole ministry of liturgical living just sort of swooped in here, along with the required levels of competence in writing, photography, graphic design, thick-skinnedness, and now (perhaps) public speaking. People always wonder at how I can do all this stuff, and in all honestly, so do I. It IS rather a wonder.

It really only makes sense to me when understood in the context of Tuesday’s first reading at Mass. St. Paul tells the Romans (and us):

in the same way, all of us, though there are so many of us, make up one body in Christ, and as different parts we are all joined to one another. Then since the gifts that we have differ according to the grace that was given to each of us: if it is a gift of prophecy, we should prophesy as much as our faith tells us; if it is a gift of practical service, let us devote ourselves to serving; if it is teaching, to teaching; if it is encouraging, to encouraging. When you give, you should give generously from the heart; if you are put in charge, you must be conscientious; if you do works of mercy, let it be because you enjoy doing them.

 Romans 12:5-9

So THIS is the work I’m supposed to be doing right now, and I’m enjoying it all so much. It manages to fit alongside my primary responsibilities as a wife and mother. I can do it, because God asked and I said yes. So this, right now, is my job for the body of Christ. Maybe it all starts drifting away tomorrow. I really think I’d be okay with that. Maybe I’d take up prophecy instead. I just love that we aren’t all called to the same things. Quite the opposite, we are all meant to be fulfilling different roles, and none is unimportant.

P.S. You can see my talk from the Fiat Conference, along with an extraordinarily moving keynote address by the amazing Mary Lenaburg, and all the other great talks from the day by purchasing a Fiat streaming ticket, good for unlimited views through Nov 20.

The post If You Want to Make God Laugh, Tell Him You’ve Decided Not to Go into Public Speaking appeared first on Catholic All Year.

BABYMOON

The husband and I ran off for a little pre-baby vacay on Santa Catalina Island, to celebrate our 18th anniversary and our 10th baby. The trip was a perfect mix of fun and relaxing, beautiful weather and sights, and a chance to spend some quality time with the mister.

We’ve done a little babymoon trip before each baby since our second, and I really, REALLY recommend it! Beginning to mid-third trimester is ideal, I think. For me anyway, first trimester is pretty barfy, and second trimester is usually really busy trying to do all the things, but by the middle of the third trimester, I’m still feeling pretty well, but am starting to slow down a bit. We’ve always done something relatively local, while grandparents watch the kids at their house or ours.

We get a hotel room for a night or two and do some touristy stuff someplace close by, sometimes even in our own town. Before George it was just one night away a few miles from our house, a few days before he was born! But still, we have such great memories from our little getaways.

Highly recommend.

“YOU SHOULDN’T DO THAT”

Back home, we’ve been enjoying the last few weeks of summer. I love that our older kids’ school doesn’t start until the day after Labor Day. It feels like stolen moments all together, somehow, when so many other kids are already back in school! Especially before Jack’s SENIOR YEAR. It’s so hard to believe it’s likely his last year home with us. (Although he did make my week the other day by casually mentioning his plans to–assuming his college plans are realized–do his stint in the military, then get a job with JPL or SpaceX, marry an as-yet-undetermined girl from his high school, and move into our neighborhood so one of his siblings could nanny for them. #soundslikeaplan )

Anyway, we were hanging out in the backyard, and, somehow, the conversation came around to cartwheels. I mentioned that I was pretty confident I could manage one, despite being 42 years old and 38 weeks pregnant. There was some scoffing. Jack, if you take a listen, did not think it was a good idea. But I decided to give it a try.

DETACHMENT

The husband wrote a really beautiful post about detachment, alongside the latest update on what’s going on in the ol’ noggin.

BRAIN UPDATE – GOOD NEWS

It’s good news, buuuut . . . you might cry. Consider yourself warned.

My latest at Blessed is She also touched on detachment, and on the beatitude that used to really confuse me . . . being “poor in spirit”

Saddle Up That Camel

I’ve also got a new column up at Endow Voices, with some tips for teachers looking to incorporate liturgical living into their classrooms this year.

Liturgical Living: Teacher Edition

THE FIAT CONFERENCE

Tickets went on sale just a few days ago for this year’s Fiat Conference, to be held on October 12th at my home in Altadena, CA. Over half the available tickets sold in the first 24 hours, and are now over 80% sold!

We, your hardworking Fiat Crew, are overjoyed that people are as excited as we are for what’s shaping up to be the biggest and best Fiat Conference yet.

Keynote speakers are Mary Lenaburg, Kristin Reilly, and yours truly, the Catholic Artisan Vendor Fair will feature amazing Catholic artists from all over the country, we’ll have Mass, adoration, and confession available, there’s a Family Party afterwards at no extra charge so husbands/boyfriends/kids can come hang out and make friends, and this year’s new Underwriter’s Cocktail Party will allow you to see Gramblewood and meet the organizers, artists, and speakers in a more intimate setting. But it’s also pretty clear that it’s going to sell out in record time, so if you want to join us, get your tickets now!

Tickets here

FAQs here

NEW IN THE SHOP

I’m plugging away on the monthly prayer and devotions booklets, trying to get the last months of them finished before baby comes. I’m due on Labor Day, and just never know if a particular newborn will stand for me getting much done after he or she is ex-utero.

The September booklets are available now!

As a digital download PDF, here.

Or as a booklet from Amazon, here.

September has some great feast days and traditional devotions. This month’s booklets feature an address to the UN by St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta, a prayer in honor of the Nativity of Our Lady by St. Anselm, the order for the blessing of crosses to install in a field or garden, and prayers for St. Matthew and the Archangels. Also for this month, available as their own printables in the September bundle and also in the booklets, are:

• Veneration of the Cross Booklet
• Rosary of the Seven Sorrows Booklet
• Our Lady of Sorrows Scripture Activity Booklet
• Prayer After Grace for September (Mother of Love and Sorrow)

Also new in the shop are these Spiritual Bouquet printables.

Creating a “Spiritual Bouquet” for a friend or loved one is the practice of offering a number of devotional acts performed for his or her intentions. It’s a beautiful and meaningful way to honor someone on a special occasions (name day, birthday, anniversary, or the arrival of a new baby), as a thank you note for teachers or gift-givers, or to remember the soul of someone recently deceased.

These printable note cards are an easy way to collect and share a spiritual bouquet, offered by one or many people, and can be mailed, or included with a meal drop off, or a gift, or a bouquet of flowers. Just circle the prayers and devotions being offered! They can be printed again and again.

I’m also hoping to get some 2020 wall calendars done as well. I’d love your input. If you think you might buy a 2020 wall calendar, would you prefer to have the option of one of these two designs from last year, or something new?

I’ve had some requests for a school year calendar. I’m just not up for putting them out more than once a year. But, I did put the 2019 calendars on BIG sale, to tide you over until the 2020 version is available!

• Marian Calendar print version (40% off, plus get another 15% off through 8/22 with the code ONEFIVE)
• Marian Calendar digital download (50% off)
• Monthly Devotions print version (40% off, plus get another 15% off through 8/22 with the code ONEFIVE)
• Monthly Devotions digital download (50% off)

BABY NAMES

It’s crunch time on baby names over here. We are set on a first name for a boy and for a girl (we don’t find out ahead of time) and are almost set on middle names. *I’m* set on middle names, I just need to get the husband on board!

We got a very fun name consultation from Sancta Nomina, one of my favorite blogs. I just love it when people have a very niche passion! Kate is always so thorough and thoughtful and detailed.

Anyway, here’s the whole consultation:

Baby name consultation: Kendra from Catholic All Year!

Besides going on a babymoon and, finishing the old baby‘s baby book , the other thing I always have to my pre-baby to do list is making a baby quilt for a boy and a girl baby. I just finished those last night!

Both have a nod to the name if you look closely, but it’s pretty subtle, on the boy quilt anyway. But if you figure it out . . . shhh, no telling .

Okay, so I think that’s it for the update! As always, we appreciate your prayers! I’ll be back on the blog next week with the September Liturgical Living Video, and then hopefully soon after that with some baby news!

In the meantime, if you want to get caught up, see here for ALL THE BIRTH STORIES!

The post Babymoons, Baby Names, Brains, and Cartwheels at Nine Months Pregnant: My Thoughts appeared first on Catholic All Year.

Also, I’m not going to do the big All Saints’ Day costume contest this year <ducks under desk> but Hallowtide has always been a big part of this blog, so I can’t let the whole thing go by without a single post!

The Question:

Hi Kendra,

Hoping you can give me a little guidance as I don’t have as much experience with this as you do.

We are attending an All Saints party with our kids this year. I’m planning on dressing my younger son as Saint Maximilian
Kolbe. I’ve got a little striped pajama, little glasses, the red P,
etc… I was super excited about this costume but then I started
mentioning it to others and got a lot of backlash and it’s making me
doubt my decision.

People have said its insensitive, inappropriate, in poor taste and makes light of the victims of the Holocaust.

I’m really torn right now because while I don’t want to offend others, I
really love this saint and I see dressing my son up in his honour as a
positive thing.

I saw that your son was dressed as Saint Maximilian Kolbe one year and
I’m wondering if you got any criticism and if so how you responded? I’m
new at this whole All Saints celebration so I’m just wondering where I
need to draw the line between political correctness and dressing my son
as an awesome saint.

I look forward to hearing your take on this!

Justine

My Answer:

Hey Justine,

Wow, I’m so sorry, and I have to say, really surprised. I expect that some people aren’t going to “get” our cephalophore St. Denis or body-less St. John the Baptist costumes, or our skinned St. Bartholomew, or our bullet-riddled Bl. Miguel Pro. They are, admittedly, pretty intense.

We don’t intend to be irreverent or insensitive, we just intend to be truthful. ESPECIALLY since these things are still happening in the world. Christians are still being martyred! All the more reason that my kids should know about these great saints. It seems ridiculous to me to limit the saints that my kids can dress up as, and learn about, and admire, to only saints who died a nice, tidy, non-shocking death. That’s just not the truth of the martyrs.

It’s my understanding that many Catholic schools and homeschool groups specifically ban any bloody depictions of martyrs. Thank the Good Lord ours’ does not, because that would disallow at least a quarter of our kids’ All Saints’ Day costumes over the years. I’m sure all those folks mean well, but we don’t choose to shield even our young children from learning the stories of the martyrs or seeing depictions of their martyrdoms. In our travels, doing that would have meant we’d have had to skip just about every single church in Europe.

Look at the statue of St. John the Baptist on the outside of Chartres Cathedral, or the statue of St. Bartholomew holding his skin inside St. Peter’s, or The Crucifixion of Saint Peter by
Caravaggio, painted for the Cerasi Chapel of Santa Maria del Popolo in
Rome. Are they shocking? Yes. Also beautiful and memorable. Generations of kids have seen them. My kids have seen those statues and that painting in person, and they made an impression. My sons have dressed up as each of those martyrs for All Saints Day. It hasn’t made them cavalier about martyrdom, quite the opposite. It has made them aware of martyrdom and respectful of it. Play is one way kids learn.

I do understand how those particular statues, paintings, and our
costumes depicting those martyrs would surprise some parents. But I think it’s a mistake, and perhaps a result of the fact that mostly moms are in charge of events like this, to purposefully remove stuff that boys think is cool from our celebration of/study of the saints, just because it isn’t what speaks to us or our daughters. My girls like Disney princess movies. Great news! There are princess saints. My boys like war movies and superhero movies and cowboys and Indians movies. Pretty much every one of those movies is going to have a bloody death or ten. There are plenty of saints that would fit right in there too. And if we let our boys get to know them, the saints can become an inspiration to them.

St. Issac Jogues (one of my boys’ choice of saint for this year) is a martyr, himself moved by the martyrs that came before him:

Jogues was inspired by the missionaries that had returned to France in
1636: Father Brebeuf, Father Charles Lalement and Father Masse to
venture to New France.
These missionaries told Jogues of their hardships, treacheries and
tortures which ordinarily awaited them by the native population, as
missionaries in New France. Their accounts however, increased Jogues’
desire to “devote himself to labor there for the conversion and welfare
of the natives”. (wikipedia)

But in your case you’re not even talking about a bloody costume. I just can’t wrap my head around anyone in a Catholic organization who would throw an All Saints’ Day costume party, then believe that to dress up as a saint who was killed in the holocaust, when he offered to take the place of another man, so that man might return to his family . . . is somehow insensitive to holocaust victims. That’s bonkers. It only honors holocaust victims when we teach our children about St. Maximilian Kolbe.

Maybe the confusion comes because some people’s take on Halloween is to dress up as a celebrity you don’t like to ridicule that person. All Saints Day costumes are the EXACT OPPOSITE of that. I would urge you to use this as a teachable moment. Stay strong, stay Catholic, stay awesome!

Cheers,
Kendra

P.S.
Just in case you’re wondering what the Tierneys are planning for this year, here’s a sneak peek at our plans for Twofer Halloween/All Saints’ Day costumes . . .

Betty:

Lulu:

Anita: 

The boys:

I think Mary Jane will be a little St. Kateri Tekakwitha sidekick to the brothers. And, fair warning if you know me in real life, the North American Martyrs costumes are probably going to involve some of these:

(But most likely this homemade version.) Because that’s how it went down:

We just really can’t help ourselves.

More costume inspiration can be found in the following posts:

Over 150 All-Saints Day Costumes for Kids

Over 150 MORE All Saints Day Costumes for Kids

Costumes for All Saints Day AND Halloween: One Part Catholic, Two Parts Awesome

Last Minute Twofer Costumes for Halloween AND All Saints Day

Hallowtide . . . It’s How We Roll: All Saints Day Costumes for Awesome Kids Only

And here’s some other stuff:

Halloween Movies to Spook the Whole Family

Spooky Stories for the Whole Family (and how to get them for free)

Scary Stories: Empowering Kids Since 1812

Praying for the Dead With Children

Disclaimer: I am not a theologian, nor am I an official spokesperson for the Catholic Church. (You’re thinking of this guy.)
If you read anything on this blog that is contrary to Church teaching,
please consider it my error (and let me know!). I’m not a doctor or an
expert on anything in particular. I’m just one person with a lot of
experience parenting little kids and a desire to share my joy in
marriage, mothering, and my faith.

If you’ve got a question,
please send it along to catholicallyear @ gmail . com . Please let me
know if you prefer that I change your name if I use your question on the
blog.

The post All Saints' Day Costume Backlash: only neat and tidy saints need apply? appeared first on Catholic All Year.

The week leading up to Mother’s Day was certainly brightened for me by the news of the birth of baby Princess Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. I’m a proud American and whatnot, but my love of babies, fanciness, and tradition can’t help but rejoice in a royal baby announcement.

I also, personally, got a kick out of the fact that Her Royal Highness Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, was in just as big a hurry to get out of the hospital as I always am.

The British Monarchy

So, I shared this article on the Facebook page:

How did Kate Middleton look this amazing 10 hours after having a baby?

and was intrigued by the resulting discussion in the comments.

• Some moms agreed with me that hospitals are a terrible place to get some rest after having had a baby, what with all the constant taking of one’s blood pressure and the wanting to know how much one peed.
• Some moms had needed to stay in the hospital for a long time whether they liked it or not, because of c-sections, or other complications.
• Some moms had loved every minute of their hospitals stays and lobbied for an extra day or two if they could get it, to enjoy not having to cook or clean or look after the other kiddos.
• Some moms said that it was fine for Kate to go home, because she has “all that help.”
• Some moms agreed with me that Kate looked just lovely, and that I really need a dress a LOT like that.
• Some moms had had the experience of looking and feeling pretty darn good right after having a baby.
• Some moms reported feeling NOT glamorous OR comfortable after childbirth.
• Some moms said of course Kate looked like that, because she has professionals to work on her.
• Some moms said that obviously Kate felt horrible and gross but was being forced by the royal family to have her hair and makeup done and pose for reporters even though she should get to be relaxing in her hospital bed in stretchy pants.
• One mom thought we shouldn’t rule out the possibility that Kate’s whole pregnancy had been fake.

It was like a tiny little microcosm of the “Mommy Wars.” All over a picture of a baby princess.

It made me think of all the other angsty combox mommy debates: epidurals, co-sleeping, homeschooling, cooking from scratch, pinterest projects, working outside the home. Moms don’t lack for things to worry about.

If I may, I’ll just share my personal experience for a moment. . .

My labors have run the gamut from 50 hours of silly sputtering to an hour and a half of intense intenseness. Labor hurts, but it’s been manageable for me without interventions each time. The husband and I have always been able to talk and laugh right up until the transition to pushing at which point I kinda lose it. But, hey, it’s almost over by that point anyway.

Then, it IS over, aaaannnnddd . . . I have always felt pretty good. I’ve always been physically able to get up and walk right away, and get to the bathroom all by myself. I’d walk to the recovery room, but they never let me.

I think the longest I’ve ever stayed in the hospital after giving birth is fifteen hours, the shortest was six.

I do not like hospitals. I don’t like being bossed around by nurses. I don’t like being woken up by nurses. I feel uncomfortable there. Giving birth in a hospital is the solution that works best for our family, because reasons. But I don’t want to stay there any longer than I have to.

I have never looked as cute as Kate did leaving the hospital. But I always bring “real” clothes to wear home.

And while I don’t know the Duchess personally, it seems reasonable to assume that she also had a manageable time of labor and delivery, and was perfectly comfortable leaving the hospital, and is not one to let having a baby interfere with being her very fashionable self.

So here’s the thing. And I hope the Duchess will forgive my impertinence, but I’m going to go ahead and speak for her too when I say that we both totally believe that your labor and delivery was the WORST and that there was NO WAY you were going anywhere for many days.

We are totally cool with that.

YOU love the hospital. You want to stay there until it’s closing time and they kick you out. We are cool with that.

I will go so far as to say that we are cool with the other childbirth, sleep-system, schooling, crafting, and career-type mothering decisions you’ve made as well. Even if they are different than the ones we’ve made.

Mothering is hard. It takes a level of dedication and sacrifice my younger self wouldn’t have even thought was a possibility for me. I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out how I do this, and there was a time when I worried if how I was doing things was the best way, or worried if people around me were doing things differently. But I really think most of that worrying and wondering was just my own insecurity. These days, I’m confident in what works for my family. And that means I don’t have to spend time concerned about how other people do it. Advice and ideas? Yes. Comparisons and angst? Nope.

Because:

1. I’ve come to understand that people are different from one another. They are formed by different circumstances and experiences, motivated by different loves and fears, and talented in different ways.

2. I’ve come to realize that another person’s experience of a particular situation in no way de-legitimizes my own contrary experience.

3. I’ve learned to let go of the angst: These days, I . . . Evaluate my options. Make a decision. Own it. Repeat as necessary.

I’m opting out of the Mommy Wars. And I’m hoping that this blog is a place where I share what works for me, but don’t de-value what works for you.

So, there ya go. Now that that’s all taken care of I will wish you and yours the happiest of Mother’s Days. Own it.

p.s. If this is a sad day for you because you struggle with infertility, subfertility, or miscarriages, or you have given a baby up for adoption, or you’ve had an abortion, or you have a difficult relationship with your mother or your children, or you’ve lost your mother, or you’ve lost a child . . . please know that lots of people are praying for your comfort and healing today.

Updated to add a little What I Wore Sunday . . .

We had breakfast at home, then went to Mass, then hit up Krispy Kreme.

Betty made me this necklace! Isn’t it awesome? And speaking of Betty, her black eye (from getting hit right in the eye by a pitch last week) has a Pinterest-worthy smoky-eye thing going on.

This was yesterday, it’s even deeper today.

Anyway, Happy Mother’s Day all!

The post Opting Out of Mommy Angst in Three Easy Steps appeared first on Catholic All Year.

When I was pregnant with my first, I read all the parenting books and I knew I was attachment-parenting for-evah. Because, obviously, anyone who did anything else was just not trying hard enough.

So, since God is funny, I got a baby who was a terrible, terrible sleeper even though I did all the things the books said. And, since I am stubborn, I just kept doing those things, even though they weren’t working.

It took a few babies, actually, for me to figure out what works for me and my particular brand of baby.

I’m still an attachment parenting-type. I sleep with my babies, and wear them during the day, I’ve been able to exclusively breastfeed seven children. I find that the convenience and flexibility of attachment parenting is worth sacrificing baby-free date nights, and regular bathing, for a few months.

I cannot put my sleeping babies down. If I do, they wake up. Almost immediately. I also mostly can’t nurse them to sleep in bed and sneak away from them. (Except on the day when I wrote my Day in the Life post!) I just wear or carry them all the time.

We sail right along, with them sleeping on and with me, until right around nine months. Then, for me and for my babies, it stops working. They stop being able to sleep for long periods in the carrier, and they stop sleeping well with me at night. They get reeeeeeal wiggly.

So, eventually, painfully, stubbornly, over many months and years and babies, I figured out that when the thing I was doing before stops working, I need to do something else. I need to do something that works, even if books and people on the internet try to scare me and insist that the way they do it is the only acceptable way. 

They are wrong.

That’s why I’m not here to tell you to sleep train your baby. Co-sleeping and babywearing is awesome. That “parenting to sleep” thing is fine with me. If it is working for you and your baby, if you are both well-rested and functioning then keep right on keepin’ on. BUT. If you and your baby are tired and grumpy, or even if you just sometimes need two hands and your back free all at the same time, or to be able to go out to dinner with your husband and not have anyone grab a handful of your potatoes . . .

I am here to tell you that, in my experience with my many children, sleep training did not make any difference in the temperament, personality, or attachment of my babies. Even when it included long periods of crying.

No difference at all. My outgoing babies were outgoing before sleep training and they were outgoing after. My reserved babies were reserved before sleep training and they were reserved after. My grumpy old man baby was still grumpy. My happiest baby on the planet is still happy.

And all of them still have a very strong attachment to me, both before and after sleep training.

Not responding to their cries while they learn to fall asleep on their own has also in no way lessened their predilection to ask for help, they pretty much do that all the livelong day. Nor has it made them withdrawn and wary of the world around them. They are very friendly and outgoing. Except for the ones who aren’t. They are as God made them.

Sleep training did not make a difference for my babies, but it did make a difference for me. Once I figured out that I could get my babies to sleep in a crib, and I worked up the nerve to actually do it, it made a positive difference for me as a mother. Once I begin sleep training, I am able to get an uninterrupted, or at least a less-interrupted night’s sleep. I am able to get out of survival mode in cooking, household upkeep, and meeting the needs of my other kids. I am able to spend more quality time with my husband.

The post How I Changed My Mind About Sleep Training appeared first on Catholic All Year.

The recent stories of Brittany Maynard and Jennifer Lawrence are quite different in circumstance and gravity. But both women are suffering. And both have a skewed way of rationalizing what is happening to them.

My glioblastoma is going to kill me, and that’s out of my control. I’ve discussed with many experts how I would die from it, and it’s a terrible, terrible way to die. Being able to choose to go with dignity is less terrifying. . . . I believe this choice is ethical, and what makes it ethical is it is a choice.  . . . I’m dying, but I’m choosing to suffer less, to put myself through less physical and emotional pain and my family as well.

I started to write an apology, but I don’t have anything to say I’m sorry for. I was in a loving, healthy, great relationship for four years. It was long distance, and either your boyfriend is going to look at porn or he’s going to look at you.

The post Eeny Meany Miny Moe People Make Bad Choices appeared first on Catholic All Year.

It seems like “bad” is the word most commonly substituted for “naughty.” But BAD is a much bigger word. “Bad” seems like something you ARE down deep. Bad is the opposite of good. I don’t want to tell my children that they are “bad.” I don’t think they are.

What they ARE is naughty.

Naughty means unthinking. Naughty means unable to
control one’s impulses of the moment. Naughty means giving in to one’s
less noble inclinations. And being careless with your mittens, and so forfeiting your pie.

Our vintage Little Golden Books are full of children and anthropomorphic animals being naughty and being labeled as such. The Three Little Kittens, and Peter Rabbit, and the Poky Little Puppy aren’t BAD, but they ARE sometimes forgetful, and disobedient, and tardy. Just like my kids are. (Just like I am.)

My kids love reading about naughty. They gasp, wide-eyed, as Peter Rabbit goes down to Mr. McGregor’s farm. Again. Even though his mom specifically said not to. They cringe as he suffers all the natural consequences of his naughtiness. And they understand it in a way *I* never did.

Naughtiness has its inevitable consequences. Sometimes it’s no chocolate custard, sometimes it’s a tummy ache. But my kids understand that, as easy as it is to be naughty, it’s just as easy to be forgiven. If you wash up your mittens or patch that hole in the fence, you just might get to have dessert anyway.

Naughty is my child’s choice, or reaction, or impulse. It isn’t who he is. So I don’t say, “You’re a bad boy, go sit in the corner.” I say, “That was very naughty, go sit in the corner.”

It’s a small difference in words, but I think it makes an important difference in perception. There is enough naughtiness to go around in our house, and there is corner sitting and desserts are lost. But I want my kids — even Cranky Frankie, who does the most corner-sitting of all — to understand that they are made in the image and likeness of God, that they are redeemed, that they are GOOD. I want them to believe that they can strive to do better each day. And that no amount of naughtiness can change the fact that they are loved.

So, it took some getting used to for me, but “naughty” is a part of my everyday vocabulary. Halloween can have the word “sexy” for its Big Bird and hamburger and corn costumes. But Santa and I are going to need the word “naughty” back.

The post In Which I Reclaim the Word "Naughty," Because I Need It appeared first on Catholic All Year.

If you’re particular about comprehension, I’d suggest clicking that little cc button on the bottom right to turn on the captions.

Bonnie: Vlog Review of Something Other Than God

Kelly: The Big Purse Dump, Vlog Edition

The post Introductions and Greetings, Likes and Dislikes appeared first on Catholic All Year.