I loved reading this response from a fellow lawyer. I am an immigration lawyer at a non profit on the southern border. I have a son but a driving force in my life and a primary value in our family is working on the margins. I want me son to learn those values and I have little pause and continuing my profesional path, although you do feel stretched to the max at certain points. I would encourage considering a public interest law career. Many workplaces are female and mother lead, and provide great flexibility for parents (I can bring my son to work, work remotely, and we have 3 months paid maternity leave and sabbatical options). I feel proud my children will have the example of a mother trying to serve the community and am excited to engage them more as they get older. I am in constant search of positive voices regarding being a catholic and working mother. Oftentimes a woman’s choice to work is proffered as a veritable Sophie’s choice in the catholic realm. But it’s important to show that catholic mothers do exist who are unapologetic in their decision to work, in large part because the work is serving our call as faithful to work for justice and serve the marginalized and oppressed.

Just a thought — For those who have already undergone medical training and regret it, try not to feel too guilty. God can still put it to good use. My mom was a single mom and a nurse. She had to work. But she was a great nurse. When anyone was sick, she was the one you wanted. (She worked in the SICU and PACU.) When my grandmother grew older and needed a lot of medical care, my mom was able to help significantly. She still had to work and could not care for her full time, but she was able to help manage her care and almost brought her home before she died. She was going to have me care for grandma at home with her assistance, and it only didn't work out because my grandmother died shortly before we could implement the plan. She hoped to get her out of the nursing home, and she had the skills and help from a SAHM daughter to do it.

If you have medical training, you could be a huge blessing to aging family members in the distant future. One major loss in our culture with so many working women is that there are no family members at home to care for the aging anymore. So often, families don't know what to do with their elderly, cannot quit their jobs, and cannot afford to pay for nursing care. While I realize different fields of medicine may be more or less advantageous to this, medical training and experience come in so handy with aging parents, whether it is communicating with their medical providers or helping physically care for them in some way.

I often encourage my daughter to get a nursing degree because I know the value of some medical training. She wants to "have 10 children and stay home", but she also expresses an interest in nursing. As long as she doesn't incur a lot of debt, that nursing knowledge could come in really handy someday.

I think the idea of what a "good job" really is is also something to be discussed.

My husband is a sort of jack-of-all-trades guy- grew up farming, and has so many marketable real-life skills. Will he ever make 80k a year? No way. But his work (which has been Bible Camp maintenance, plumbing, snowmobile mechanic, etc) makes him happy, allows for some flexibility, and he'll always have a job because of his willingness to do anything.

There's no prestige, he'll never get an award, but our bills are paid, we own our house, and we are in absolutely no debt at all.

Great advice ! I am getting married at 30, and am glad I pursued my passion for dental healthcare . If I were still single now, I would LOVE what I do. I think it is dangerous for a young lady to not explore her different talents and interests and to see how it can make a realistic career- with kids as a possibility .

Best of luck to you!

The notion that God doesn't ask us to do contradictory things rings a bell!

I have discerned that I am called to marriage and I am hoping to have kids with my now fiancé . I am currently working as well and I truly am praying that God will show me what he wills and what is best (part time, full time SAHM). However, I have to admit that I am weary of me mistaking my deep desires or fears as God's will. For example, I may be afraid of leaving work and this say "God wants me to work " but maybe I am just afraid to leave work!

So I pray for honesty and clarity as well ! I think that is harder to do than it seems. So much of our views as women when it comes to working outside the home has been shaped by (in my opinion ) social changes. I've spoken to many awesome and pastoral , real world priests and while they are very supportive of women working , almost all have said that a mother is supposed to be with their children, especially in their young years. I am not sure how much of that is Catholic values and tradition vs social but part of me feels very challenged by that. Our work culture is not friendly to the reality of family ! I hope it continues to change

Anyways thanks so much for sharing your story!

I love your post! I think nowadays, everyone is told to pursue higher education . Higher is better always it seems. That is not reality!
I completely agree with you that people should work on a 5 year plan and try to avoid debt. Things like go to expensive out of state school with no scholarship, or pursuing graduate degrees that have limited job prospects are not good.conversely, pursuing medicine or law or banking just to make money is a TERRIBLE idea! One has to have balance . We pray, we research and we take the next right step!

Stephanie , you are so right , one never knows. I think that's why it's so hard to approach the topic. Should a young lady focus on finding someone /being open to that or should she focus on school and see what happens. The latter has led to so many 85'ers (80's generation in general ) who are 30 and super single but super decked out with professional degrees.

I am so sorry to hear about your infertility struggles. After marrying, did you work or school? If you could, would you have tried to have kids sooner (not saying that would change circumstances but just curious if your perspective changed ) I ask because I , like you will be marrying around age 30 and we both are considering postponing kids due to logistics . But I don't even know how fertile I am in general and considering certain other factors. Many people tell me that I should ensure that I take time just for us regardless before we have kids. I am starting to feel like that is presumptuous ! Also not sure that flows with a major aspect of marriage (being open to family )

Thanks for sharing your story. Praying for you as your pursue adoption .

Godbless

I love your post ! And I really love the comment about how our value isn't based on what we produce for society to enjoy.

I think you hint at this too: motherhood trumps any other "calling" a mother has. If a woman is married with no kids or kids out the nest- then perhaps a field outside home (after hubby/house) is what God calls them to. But if a mother has little ones, that is the primary thing God calls her to (and hubby/house).

I used to have very liberal views and would have considered that sexist . But maturity ,plus a clearer Catholic perspective has truly changed my views! I don't think it's derogatory to imply that a mother should make tending to her children her priority. It's a beautiful thing and a major sacrifice that God rewards.

I am a dentist and I am getting married soon. I have been thinking about family a lot. God willing , I will have kids . Like many posters, I have debt from school so being a SAHM fully won't likely be realistic for me immediately. With that said, I still want to do everything I can within reason to be home for my children. I don't think God will give us a vocation and then not give us graces to handle it.

I definitely LOVE dentistry ,love giving back to my community and serving others as a "tooth Fairy Doctor " lol, but I now am seeing that my vocation as wife and hopefully mother – will take on a priority over my service as a dentist . Raising SOULS is a big deal! This is not to imply that being a heart surgeon, lawyer or social worker isnt important . But I do believe that our society has caused future MOTHERS to mistakenly view work in and out the house as equally important and to a great extent – outside work, degrees , achievements are celebrated MORE. So in addition to trying to balance work with home, I think women may still indirectly or subconsciously feel the pressure to keep careers for sake of relevancy or status etc. (not just needed money) . this is coming from someone who is having that honest conversation about future fears of leaving work. It's not just about the financial stability. It's partly identity and dreading conversations of "oh what do you do? Oh you stay home now. That's nice . I saved the lives of 3 people today " . I'm sure I'm
Not alone in this. But our value isn't based on merely what we do in society. It's based in Christ. And Christ wants us to follow the vocations ( religious life , marriage) and or callings (Doctor, teacher ) etc he calls us to.

Saint Gianna , pray for us :0)

God bless

Sorry, Mary, for your dilemma. A few things come to mind: I think it's easy for people to think of all that could be done with that second income while overlooking the costs associated in getting that paycheck. If you work a typical day-time schedule in a professional field, you will be spending significant amounts for: transportation, daycare, clothing, and eating out AND your taxes will increase significantly (painfully!). I have friends that loved their careers and made it work but there were intense negotiations over who stayed home with sick kids and who did what housework as a result of both parents being in demanding roles.

However, I did have a friend, an early morning person, who worked the opening shift at Starbucks while her husband got the kids off to school. She enjoyed the social interaction, her husband made it to work on time, and they had a little extra cash flow. The costs associated with her working were low–no daycare, no wardrobe, and not enough extra income to boost their taxes. Similarly, a couple of years ago we started dog-sitting in our home through a web-based company. Little to no cost for us, no tax implications, easy to fit into our lifestyle, and my kids loved spoiling the dogs that stayed with us.

All that to say is there is more than one way to skin a cat. If your husband just wants a little extra cash flow, then there may be a way you can brainstorm a solution. If he wants you to launch into a professional career, then a realistic assessment of the true cost of that second income might dissuade him.

Your husband's issues may be emotionally based (being the sole breadwinner in today's economy is a daunting prospect), financially based, or it could be as simple as jealousy–if he has to go to work all day, you should too! Hear him out but don't feel like you have to fix it. Maybe point him in the direction of another family with a SAHM to get their breadwinner's perspective. I will be praying for your family to find resolution that respects everyone's roles.